Author note: This fanfic is a continuation of DarkHounds masterpiece Lan’s stag party.
This episode is set after episode 12 of DarkHounds original, when Nynaeve is presumed to be dead and the rest of the stag party has decided to travel to another world and continue their quest of getting really drunk.
Author speaking to the flickers: Ok guys, remember this: No fancy stuff...comprendo?
Flicker, flicker, fli...
Mat: Why did we stop?
Portal stone: I’m sorry, but I don’t work overtime. (holds up a paper that says: "Portal Stones Working Agreements")
Mat: (Bleep) those bureaucratic (bleep), (bleep)ing (bleep)s!!!
Portal stone: (snicker)
Lan: Well we can wait until this Portal stone starts working. Remember that Nynaeve is dead so we can take it cool. (suddenly he blinks) uh oh...
Nynaeve: (Appearing out of nowhere) There you are! (sniff) I thought you ran off to that blond psycho dwarf woman again. (huge sniff and a double handed tug)
Thom: That was so... predictable...
Faile: Now farmboy, you get your butt over here NOW! (multi sniff)
Rand: (deep sigh) The first thing the author does is to put an end to the stag party by resurrecting Nynaeve and Faile.
Perrin: (shows a sign "Author sucks!") (a poodle strikes Perrin)
Author: There can’t be a real stag party episode without Nynaeve and Faile trying to stop you.
Stag party: (looks at each other and makes a circling movement with their finger over their temples)
Faile: You hit my husband! No one save me is aloud to do that! (sniff) (starts beating the author)
Author: Aaaargh! (presses the override button on the portal stone)
Flicker, flicker, flicker, flicker....flycker!
Author: What was it I said? ...NO FANCY STUFF!!! (poodle strikes flicker 5 out for the episode) Hey, I’m starting to get hang on this. (start dropping poodles on everyone)
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!
Author: (sniffs and tries to tug a braid that he hasn’t) Right!
Author note: Actually, Arafellin men do have braids, but I’m not going to be a fool running around with bells in my hair. And I don’t want to be called Pippi Longstocking either!
[The author appears on a filthy, dark street outside a tavern called "The Broken Drum" in a galaxy far, far away.... eh, wrong series...]
Author: (ducks as a fellow flies through the door to the tavern and lands in the river Ankh) Shiesh! That man is going to have some major explaining to do to his wife. (looks around) Shot! There is no portal stone in this world (thinks). (picks up his callbox) (under his breath) I wonder when they are going to invent the cell phone... (normal voice) All right gravity, send them in.
Gravity: Right that’s it! I won’t move a finger before I get an accident insurance.
C:\invalid command. Gravity.exe is M.I.A
Author: Bugger! (thinks) Hmm...what if I....
Gravity: What are you doing? (anxious voice) You won’t do anything stupid, ok? (very anxious voice) Author? Author?! AUTHOR!
Sometime later...
Gravity: Ok, ok! I’ll do as you say just don’t do anything to me, pleeease!
Author: (chuckles) I knew I was going to have some use of that class in psychology.
Gravity: eh...you were just kidding with me?
Author: ........
Gravity: Ok, I get the message.
[A horizontal gateway appears outside The Broken Drum and the stag party falls through]
Rand: (snort) A horizontal...
Perrin: Yuck! What’s that smell?
Author: It’s the river Ankh in the city Ankh-Morpork, the smelliest river in the history of fantasy.
Perrin: (shrugs) Whatever...
Thom: What are you complaining about wolfie? Nynaeve and Faile will at least not come here. (hastily looks around for them) You know how clean women always want to have around them. (draws a deep breath through his nose and his face turns green)
Lan: Huh, even the Blight smells better then this river. (turns to Thom) I can understand if Faile and Nynaeve doesn’t want to come here. (shows what passes for a grimace of disgust)
Thom: (grins) You won’t smell it when your belly is full of ale. (wink)
Lan: Yeah, lets get drunk! (runs for the tavern)
[Mat opens his mouth to shout "LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS" but Rand channels and his words are muffled]
Mat: Mmmpfmm. (as he can’t say a word he gives Rand the Finger)
Rand: (whispers to Mat) I would keep that mouth of yours shut if I were you. We’re in the Shades and you’ll get killed if you don’t shut up...vif you’re lucky, that is.
Author note: We’re in Discworld. That’s the world that is a disc balanced on the backs of four elephants that stands on a giant turtle. This is Terry Pratchetts world so we are not going to mess with it too much.
[The stag party enters The Broken Drum and settles at a table while Thom brings the refreshments]
Meanwhile...
[A gateway (not a horizontal) appears and Nynaeve and Faile steps out in front of a dark house]
Faile: (looks around) Where are we Nyn?
Nynaeve: It’s Nynaeve, girl! (tugs braid hard)
[Faile sniffs and glares, but Nyn...eh, Nynaeve, doesn’t seem to notice it]
Nynaeve: We’re going to hire someone that can... (gulps and shudders) help us.
Faile: (shivers and sniffs) I guess we have to. (under her breath) When I lay my hands on Perrin...I swear that I’ll box his ears then kiss him and then box his ears again...and then (evil laughter) we’ll play "forward as a farmgirl at harvest".
[In the distance you can hear a scream filled with terror, a scream coming from a doomed soul]
Perrin: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
[Nynaeve is just about to knock on the door when it opens. Both women look at each other and simultaneously sniffs]
Back at The Broken Drum...
[At The Broken Drum the stag party is drinking Ol’ Wizards Body Fluids and are in the middle of a conversation except for Mat who is playing cards with a monk...eh, a orangutan]
Mat: Ha! You lose again. (shows his cards consisting four kings)
Orangutan: Ooook! (throws his cards)
[Mat starts to count his money]
Orangutan: Oooook...(looks suspiciously at Mat)
[Mat looks up from his money, sees the Orangutans suspicious look, puts his money in his pockets, take his hat and runs off to join the rest of the stag party. He arrives to a quiet table]
Mat: (leans towards Thom and whispers) What’s up? Why is everyone quiet?
Thom: (whispers back) Perrin tried his talents in humor.
Mat: Oh... (falls silent)
Meanwhile...
[Nynaeve and Faile is searching through the dark house...several crashing sounds can be heard]
Albert: Master! Master!
DEATH: YES?
Albert: (hisses) Two terrible women is here and they are turning the house upside down!
Author note: Think of Albert as a Bawler (Nialls skinny secretary) in a penguin suit.
DEATH: (bored tone) WELL, KICK THEM OUT AND CLEAN UP THE MESS. (returns his attention to his log over dead ones)
DEATH: (frowns at the log) ALBERT, THESE WOMEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT...ARE THEY IN THE GREAT HOURGLASS ROOM? (a worried look is present on DEATHs face (normally skeletons can’t look worried but DEATH is far from anything having to do with normality)
Albert: (sighs) Yes, they are.
[DEATH groans and with Albert on his heels he makes his way to the Great Hourglass Room]
In the Great Hourglass Room...
[Faile and Nynaeve is searching through the room and several of the shelves has been tipped over... the floor is covered with crushed hourglasses]
Faile: Exactly who are we looking for? (double sniff)
Nynaeve: A man (ultra sniff) that can help us find Lan (tug) and the others.
Faile: Yes, I know it’s a man, you always get males to help us (mooonster sniff...and suddenly all the dust in the room is gone), but who is he?
[Commercial break...stay tuned]
Advertiser: New revolutionary cleaning equipment can be purchased from "Bossy Women Cooperation". Among our newest equipment you can find "Vacuum Faile". Just press a button and the three feet tall replica of Faile makes a monster sniff and while all the dust in the room is in the air she collects it by charging up a second sniff. Press the button again and the replica sniffs again, making the room dusty. Tip: While you’re at home you keep it neat and clean but when you’re going out you press the button so the room is filled with dust and then tell your husband to clean the house.
[Back to Nynaeve and Faile]
[Since Nynaeve doesn’t know, she sniffs, glares, and tugs her braid. Failes lips twist into a sneer and she opens her mouth to tell Nynaeve that she doesn’t know, but apparently Nynaeve have done something good in an earlier life, whatever that might be, because she’s saved by a voice coming from the doorway...]
DEATH: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! (his voice is filled with authority)
Faile: (sighs) Why do you always have to involve people who speaks in all capitals? Are they turning you on or something? Remember how it went in DarkHounds stories...
[Flashback:]
Lews: Wait a minute.... here Nynaeve, catch!
[He throws his beer bottle at Nynaeve, who can’t catch it, as touching a beer bottle is anathema to her, and it spills down her front...]
Nynaeve: AAAAAAH! (sniff) AAAAAAAHHHH!
Rand: What’s going on? What’s that hissing noise? Why is Nynaeve steaming?
Nynaeve: I’M MELTING! I’M MELTING......MELTING....(tug) MEEEELTING ....(sniff) AAAAaaaaaaa...(pop)
[The screen shifts back]
Nynaeve: (shivers) Don’t remind me of that, I can still sometimes smell that terrible stench (aka good beer) (tug).
DEATH: EXCUSE ME LADIES, I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TREMBLE, SHIVERS AND CRY IN MY PRESENCE, NOT IGNORE ME. (insulted)
Nyaneve: (sniff) (tug) Now, you listen to us you goat-kissing trolloc of a woolheaded male or I’ll box you ears!
DEATH: (confused) WHO’S EARS?
Nynaeve: (double tug and a grande sniff) Yours, mutt!
Author: Bah! Since when does skeleton have ears?
DEATH: (grins) YEP. I’M BOX-EAR PROOF.
[Nynaeve tugs her braid and then starts boxing the authors ears]
Author: Hey, I’m the author! I can’t get this story moving if you’re gonna box my ears!
[Nynaeve stops a while later, arrange her skirts (of course she has to do that), tugs her braid and sniffs loudly]
Author: Ok, lets get this story moving...(under his breath) One day she gonna tug that braid out of its roots. *FORESHADOWING*
DEATH: (looks at the destroyed hourglasses) WELL, WELL. (scowls) YOU’VE GIVEN ME A LOT OF JOB...(musses) ON THE OTHER SIDE...(brightens up) THAT MEANS I’LL GET A FATTER PAYCHECK THIS MONTH! NOW, WHAT WAS IT YOU WANTED ME TO DO?
Nynaeve: Well, you see there is these men...
Meanwhile back at The Broken Drum...
[The stag party is in the middle of an interesting conversation, apparently bragging over how much they can drink]
Rand: I tell you, one time I downed a cup of oosqaui, just like that. (snaps fingers)
Mat: Ha, do you think that’s much! One night I downed five large cups of brandy faster then rabbits [censored].
Thom: (whispers loud enough so everyone in The Broken Drum can here, except for those who are smoking joint in a corner) That was right after he had been spending a whole night in a certain queens quarters...I think everyone knows who I’m talking about. Apparently the old lady had him working all night. And do you know why he disappeared in the end of aCoS?
[Everyone is listening as Thom is going to reveal the authors theory]
Mat: If you breathe one word of it I swear I’ll (bleeeeep) you!
Thom: Well, (knuckles his moustache), apparently the Seanchan, you know the people with funny haircuts, had send the Daughter of the Nine Moons to lead their Hailene. When they arrived to Ebou Dar and tDotNM heard about Mat from the queen (females sharing secrets, you know) she ordered him found. That’s why Mat wasn’t present in PoD, he was getting married in the Seanchan... (dramatic tone) Ladies and gentlemen: Mat "one night stand" Cauthon is married to tDotNM!
[Everyone goggles at Mat as if they’ve heard that Perrin was going to do something interesting in the next book]
Mat: (tries to strangle Thom) You old goat! I warned you but nooo, you had to...
[A skinny innkeeper (uh oh) enters the stage and a single spotlight is directed at him while all the other lights dim out]
Innkeeper: Ladies and gentlemen, please be quiet! (points at Mat and Thom) You two, if you can’t keep quiet, the monkey over there will throw you out!
Orangutan: Oooook!!! (makes some amazing acrobatic movements in air and then lands on the innkeeper, knocking him out and then moves off the stage to the bar and orders a banana)
Author: Uh oh. My skinny innkeeper is knocked out and I’ve no one else to introduce the artist! (thinks)
[An ogier steps onto the stage, rather confused]
Ogier: Hmmm. Wha? Oh. Yes. (starts flipping through a notebook) What was it again?
Author: (clears his throats and pulls down the ogier from the stage)
[Instead he send a trolloc up]
Trolloc: Me nice trolloc. Me introduce stupid artist. Stupid artist is...(he’s pulled off the stage by a pair of fierce eyed wookies with clubs)
Author: (mutters) Do you want something done you have to do it yourself.
[The author steps onto the stage with a bright smile]
Author: Ladies and gentlemen! Due to some unfortunate circumstances, aka as a bruise the size of a football, our skinny innkeeper can’t introduce our artist for the night, but don’t worry, he’ll be causing trouble soon. Anyway (drum whirl) here is...
Rand: Selene?!
Author: No...
Rand: oh..(disappointed tone)
Author: Go and take a cold shower and you’ll feel a bit less tense. (clears his throat) As I said before being interrupted: (drum whirl) here is, all the way from Randland, the sexy, the sparkling, the seductive... Halima Saranov with a parody song written by none other then me.
[The author leaves the stage and the spotlight is directed at Halima as the music is starting to play, which can be recognized as "Who wants to live forever"]
Halima: (starts to sing)
There’s no time for us,
To leave this site and rush,
What is this site that twist our minds,
and steal our lives from us.
Who wants to stay forever,
Who wants to stay forever, ....?
There’s no chance for us,
To leave this Tower and move on,
This Tower has only one way to end,
And it’s nothing for us.
Who wants to stay forever,
Who wants to stay forever, ....?
Now bring us back from this sinking ship,
Take us away to a new Tower,
And we can chat forever,
And we can RP forever, ....?
Forever in a new Tower,
Who wants to stay forever,
Who wants to stay forever, ....?
Who misses NWT anyway?
[The last tone chimes out but no one is applauding except for the guys who has been smoking joint in the corner. Halima leaves the stage sulking and muttering about audiences who doesn’t know to appreciate good music]
Lan: (whispers to the others) I wish that Selene were here...
Rand: Yeah that Halima woman is pretty but she didn’t sing anything good.
[Suddenly a familiar, melodious voice is heard]
Selene: (sultry tone) Hi guys, have you missed me. (not a question)
[Selene walks around the table and lays down on the table and fixes her eyes at Rand]
Selene: Have you missed me Rand. (again not a question)
[Everyone is open mouthed]
Rand: Selene! Where have you been?! The episode is almost at it’s end!
Selene: Don’t underestimate the skills of Lady Selene. If you follow me upstairs I think we have enough time to...
Rand: I didn’t mean that!
Mat: (snicker)
Selene: Are you really sure?
Rand: Yes!
Selene: In that case...(gets up from the table and arrange her skirts (of course) and then she gives them a flashing smile before she disappears)
Lan: (to author) Why did you let her disappear like that?
Author: You don’t need to know why everything is happening. Read my lips: I’m the author and I’ll do as I wish, you just need to follow the plot.
Rand: I think we have gotten ourselves an extremely self-possessed, arrogant and power-mad fanfic author.
Mat: Look who’s talking.
Rand: That was what I meant! Who can tell if a person is filled with arrogance and power thirst better then me; the arrogance personified?
[A tap on Rand’s shoulder interrupts their insulting of the author]
Rand: Wha?
Innkeeper: There are two women outside that wish to talk to you.
Rand: (turns around) A skinny innkeeper! (chaos erupts and Rand starts lashing out with the OP all over the place) Run for you lives! A skinny innkeeper! AAAAH!
[The stag party escapes The Broken Drum (or what’s left of it after Rand’s balefire attack) but they all stumbles and lands in the river Ankh where they die due to the deadly toxins and waste. DEATH appears with Nynaeve and Faile]
Nynaeve: What a terrible stench (sniffs), I bet we’re close to the stag party now.....(looks around) Lan what are you doing in that...river?! (tug) And why are you transparent?! (more sniffs)
Faile: Perrin get out from there. I won’t have you smelling like that when we’re gonna play "forward as farmgirl at harvest".
DEATH: I’M SORRY TO HAVE TO DISAPPOINT YOU, BUT THEY ARE DEAD NOW AND IT’S MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF THEM FROM NOW ON. (blinks towards the stag party)
[The "ghost" stag party grins at each other and blinks but Nynaeve and Faile freaks out]
Nynaeve: (grabs her braid with both hands and starts to give it very hard tugs) You (tug) won’t (tug) get (tug) away (tug) with (tug) this (tug) Lan (tug) Mandragoran (ominous tugs)...owww!
[As I foretold: Nynaeve has finally tugged off her braid!]
Faile: (screams) It’s your fault Nynaeve! If you hadn’t send that skinny innkeeper to fetch them they would have been alive and...it’s you fault! (grabs the tugged-off-braid and strangles Nynaeve)
[Faile looks around for anyone else to strangle, sees the author and tackles him to the ground where she tries to strangle him]
Author: Aaaargh! (opens a horizontal gateway and throws her out) Now when I’ve taken care of that, maybe I can finish this. But a dead stag party isn’t any funny, right? (snaps his fingers)
[The stag party returns to life (a better one we hope) and so does Nynaeve who’s now a member of the stag party]
Stag party: WHAT?!
Nynaeve: Yep, I’m with you guys now. All the evil was in my braid but I didn’t know that, but now...(licks her lips) I would give anything for a bottle of beer!
[Everyone looks open mouthed at Nynaeve]
Perrin: Hey, wait a minute...If Nynaeve can be turned back can’t Faile do it too?
Author: Sorry Perrin, but she’s hopeless case.
[Everyone laughs]
Rand: Face it Perrin, as long as there are going to be some sort of stag party, you’ll always be the butt for all the jokes.
DEATH: LOOK, I’VE TO GO OR THE DEAD ONES WILL START COMPLAINING.
Stag party: See ya!
[As the sun rise over the city, the stag party wanders away, happily drinking a couple of flagons of Dragon’s Flaming Nose Cleaner and is already hunting another tavern. After a while they got company from some of the inhabitants of the city like: Windle Poons, Granny Weatherwax, the mortician, some of the local wizards and the librarian who is munching on a banana and they all sing a merry song]
Everyone: (singing) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)... THE END...?
Lord Aldwyn Mandeleyn